Tag: #faceofdepression

Calm down, Bill.

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Ello all! I’d love to say “I’m back” but I don’t think that’s really a thing. After all, not like we can leave our bloody houses anyway, but that’s something for another post. I haven’t written in over a month though, so thought it best to be polite!

I talk about Billy a lot, but am aware that I have only ever written a couple of times about who he is and how he affects me. I’m often asking him to do things in posts, thanking him, and I have I have slagged him off, whole heartedly. He sucks up a lot of attention. Billy, not everyone understands you, so I think I should tell them about when you lull me into a false sense of security.

So I last week I on a bit of a high or “experiencing a period of hypomania” if you want to be posh. I was in a great mood, everything was good, it was bloody great. I couldn’t for a moment seem to stop moving at least one part of my body. People around me may comment “you’re in a good mood, Ellen!” – it’s great. I loved it, but it does start to take its toll. The last few days of last week I began to feel really sick. I didn’t wanted to eat as it felt like I had too much energy as it was, it felt like my body never needed food again. My body was working so quickly that my stomach was literally flipping over.

I’m loud, fact. I get told this most days and am rarely missed coming into a room. Colleagues and friends joke about me not having a volume button and unfortunately, this comes with its own obstacles being an adult at the best of times. However, when Billy is really at his peak, when he is manic, he makes damn sure that I properly embarrass myself, he makes sure that I say things without thinking. Without understanding the repercussions. Now, I have Bipolar 2, so naturally my highs are not euphoric, and for the most part, go unnoticed, even by me. My biggest indicator is my amazon account. When I’m on a high, I go a bit mental, and have been known to receive several parcels a day. This can be problematic.

This time though, I haven’t purchased anything – WIN for my bank account, but I really did feel it at the end of last week. I was EXHAUSTED. I was just going to fast.

I found it a little hard to cope on Friday and at the start of my weekend as I tried to work my way through what turned out to be, a very unpleasant high, in the end. I felt a little overwhelmed and distraught that Billy had once again, struck gold. A couple of friends did offer me support and asked questions like “how does it feel?” – I used the example of a scene in Nanny McPhee (if you’ve never seen it, it’s a great family film, released in 2005 and I would recommend). The scene features a group of unruly children who are chaotic they are TRASHING the kitchen, they are having THE best time. A new nanny (who turns out to be magical) enters the house and approaches the kitchen. Upon refusing to stop misbehaving in the kitchen, and being asked more than once, the nanny bangs her magical stick on the floor. The children are put into fast forward mode. They are doing everything they were doing but 10 times faster, it quickly scares them and becomes painful and tiresome, but they can’t stop until they say “please” to the nanny. This takes time, with everyone really trying to convince everyone to give in. This is exactly what I have felt like last week, like someone had slammed their magic stick, and subsequently; I was walking, talking, acting and thinking way faster than I wanted or could cope with. From an outside perspective it may look enjoyable, or hilarious, but it’s truly exhausting, and I couldn’t seem to slow. I really tried my best to ride it and am lucky to have very supportive people around me who have and continue to cut me a lot of slack. Thank you, you know who you are.

The stick did slam over the weekend, it was quite abrupt, but I managed to not slip too far down. I’m feeling a little more “stable” this week, although, still loud, of course.


Offer support to your friend who is struggling, text them and drop in, ask questions if you don’t understand, they will appreciate you caring, appreciate you trying to understand.

And my god if you’re feeling fast at the moment, I’m so sorry. I’m totally with you. Trust me, it will pass.

Let’s say it together… “Next time, calm down, Bill.”

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

(If you’re super intrigued and want to understand but haven’t seen Nanny McPhee – type “Kitchen Chaos Nanny McPhee” into YouTube).

The Street Lights Dim

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Oh hi, sorry it’s been a while. I’m trying not to let Ellen on the Edge become a pressure for me, and as I have said before, utilise it for expressing how I’m feeling. It always works, and so I need to do it now, I need to write. Try keep up with me on this one…

So… I have become obsessed with one of the street lights on my street (bare with me here), it comes on at 17:13 every single night and goes off at about 07:20 the next morning, it’s ever so consistent, but has dimmed a bit recently. I have recognised it to an extent that I feel it too.

You see, the thing is with street lights, the thing with all lights is, they can’t be bright all of the time, they need to be replaced, they need to be recharged. Or sometimes the constant electricity that is running to it just needs a little maintenance. It is impossible for a light to come on, day in and day out, shine blindingly bright, without a little break. Maybe this is something we all need to hear?

Like the street light, I am trying to remain consistent, I am trying to set a routine and make sure that my light comes on every single day, life is terribly consistent sometimes, but for me, consistency becomes a little bit of a struggle – but so does too much change – so all in all, myself and Billy, can’t bloody win.

I’ve been struggling the last week or so, struggling to keep the smile on my face, to light up and therefore to hide how I’m feeling. Which I hate!
I may be wrong, but I think everyone reaches a stage in their life where they need to just slow down, I think we will all, or have all been through tough times, and recovering and reflecting after these times is really bloody important. Something I really need to remember right now. Living a quiet and relaxed existence is my way of doing that. Now, we all have expectations for our lives. Abstract timelines that we formulate in childhood and end up comparing our accomplishments against. We imagine we’ll have our first kiss by 14, graduate University by 22, have our dream job by 25, and be married by 30. Or maybe we planned to travel to a certain number of countries by a certain age, or to have made a certain amount of money. Sometimes life does turn out like we imagined, it feels like everything has just fallen into place at the right time. But sometimes we end up moving at a slower pace, sometimes things go wrong, or things just pause for a little while. I’ve been subject to a lot of change in the past few months, some changes that have been pretty bloody big, and all in all, my life has completely and utterly changed. These are life changes and expectations of where I would be at this age that I have put on myself, and whilst I have achieved them, I don’t think I have allowed myself to process it all. On top of Rona, I think it’s all just starting to catch up with me, and maybe slowing down, and dimming a little, is needed.

A problem is that I am still obsessed with checking social media, viewing other peoples structured realities, and showing me what they want me to see. Come on, let’s admit it, it does consciously and unconsciously make us feel like shit sometimes. That just comes with the territory. But I need to probably take a break, maybe I need to get back into crosswords (a lovely little obsession I had on a high earlier in the year, don’t ask).I am, however, highly aware of how much I share online, and hope that me sharing my struggles gives other people a bit of hope. I like to think I share the true stuff (I mean I mainly share to try to seek a bit of reassurance or to reach out), but I hope no one ever looks at Ellen on the Edge and feels anything negative. If you do, please don’t read it, you are worth so much more than that. I don’t want your streetlight to dim because of me – or because of anyone.

I am hoping that my brain lets up a little soon, I am struggling to sleep, yet constantly tired and fear that I am not truly taking care of myself, I really am trying my best (Mum, don’t worry), but I have just hit a bit of a hump, me and the streetlight outside are just dimming at the moment, I think it all just feels bigger than it truly is. I don’t know whether my writing is ever going to be helpful to anyone, I have no idea. As I always say, it helps me and to be honest, I know I’m not the prime example for “things will always get better” – Billy Bipolar makes sure of that. But I hope I am able to communicate, maybe what you can’t? That we all struggle, that we are all here, and we need to be heard. And that just sometimes, we are just sad, we are struggling, we are tired, we need to recharge, we need a bit of a break and possibly a bit of maintenance. Remember the street lights outside your house dim, too.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx