One of the most frustrating things I have encountered when discussing mental ill-health is the accusations of attention seeking, I must reiterate that this is not necessarily always aimed at me, but the accusation is still there. I am more than sure that you’ve heard it too: “Oh, they’re just hurting themselves to get attention”, or “Why do you need to talk about your depression so much – are you just looking for attention?” The worst thing about these comments is that they can worm their way into peoples brains, and, then, when people need to ask for help, they will worry that they will be accused of attention seeking, that the dreaded feeling of feeling like a burden is just an overreaction. In short, these comments have potentially fatal effects.

We often hear conflicting messages. On the one-hand, we are encouraged to talk about our problems, but, on the other, if we talk about them too much, or too openly, we’re labelled as an attention-seeker. It’s hard to know what to do for the best, and it can feel easier to keep it all inside. Something that can really help is taking a different look at the whole thing. Maybe if we think that when we reach out for help, we are not attention seeking; we are care seeking, support seeking, or connection seeking. Every single one of us needs care, support, and connection at times, and it makes complete sense for us to ask for these things. It is not attention seeking.

The belief that, talking about mental ill-health amounts to attention-seeking, comes from the stigma which still surrounds mental illness. If we’d broken our arm, would we ignore it, try to use our arm despite the pain, worrying that it broke because we were weak? Would we be scared to seek treatment for it, or ask for help carrying things, because people might think that we’re attention seeking? Discussing mental health – whether we have experience of mental illness or not – reduces stigma. With less stigma, people experiencing mental ill-health will feel more able to ask for help.

Often if people, themselves, haven’t experienced mental illness, it is incredibly likely that someone you know will have, or will be struggling right now. Mental ill-health is not something that happens to other people, to everyone else – it happens to our family, our friends, our neighbours, and our colleagues, it may well happen to you at some point. The more we talk about mental-illness, the more we realise how common it really is. In turn, more research and funding is dedicated to it, more resources are created, and more people can be helped.

Feeling unable to ask for help, or talk about our mental health, due to the fear of being labelled as attention seeking, can be ultimately, life threatening. Often, a person considering suicide will try, in some way, to let someone else know what they’re thinking, before making an attempt. It can be easy to dismiss statements like “nobody cares about me”, or “I might as well not be here” as attention seeking. In fact, paying attention to things like this, and asking about mental health, and suicidal feelings, provides space and opportunity to open up. Talking about mental illness, and suicide, in an open and non-judgemental way, can save lives. I talk about this a little more in my post “The S Word”.

Actually, let’s turn it completely on it’s head. Why is attention seeking such a bad thing anyway? It’s surely incredibly brave to talk about mental illness honestly and openly. It’s amazing to feel able to expose your vulnerabilities, and it should be applauded, not ridiculed. I know when I shared my writing that I was extremely anxious initially, but sharing and opening up has been somewhat of a therapy for me. Sometimes, I guess, people just don’t always ask for attention in the way that another person might. This doesn’t make people any less deserving of help, and it doesn’t mean that people should be dismissed as just attention seeking. We need that attention and support, and, if we get it, we may feel more able to talk about our feelings next time and ask for help sooner.

I speak for myself when I say I definitely wanted attention when I was at my lowest, and sometimes still do need attention, but particularly when I have been very unfamiliar with what was happening in my mind. I have wanted people to understand what was happening to me, I have wanted my family to know about my symptoms, doctors to know, anyone who could help me to know, especially my friends, people I spend a lot of time with. Why? Because when you’re hurting, you want people to know so that they can help you. Help, which can come in the form of emotional support, sympathy, understanding, empathy or just simply another person’s attention.

I can say unashamedly that is exactly what I have wanted. People to ask me what’s wrong, or why I didn’t seem myself, so that I could talk and express or even just hurt with someone else by my side, and yes I wanted people to feel empathy for me, because the truth is, I felt pretty sorry for myself , along with petrified and frustrated, not knowing how I was going to deal with having mental illness in my everyday life. So yes, I did seek attention because I’m a human being and when I am hurting beyond my own understanding I turn to others.

Yes, we are often seeking attention. All humans need social interaction and can benefit from validation of their pain. But, and it’s a big caveat: no, we are not doing this to be dramatic or cruel or whatever other negatives people may believe. We are likely doing it because we are so painfully lonely, because we need attention. We want help. We want support. We want treatment. We are attention needers. Remember that.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx