Tag: #faceofdepression

Have the Christmas You Need

Ellen Thomas3 Comments

Festive cheer, merriment and yuletide joy is really not the feeling that is consuming my time at the moment, I have a massive feeling of numbness when looking at peoples social media, flooded with merriment and Christmas activities.

Christmas isn’t alway easy and can be one of the most difficult times of the year for some people, there is an expectation to be happy and jolly and when you’re not feeling like celebrating it can be really hard. It’s also not unusual for your sadness to become accentuated when you’re watching and observing everyone else’s (perceived) happiness!

This year has worn me out on so many levels, and I can feel myself limping towards the finish line, there is something about Christmas which feels almost impossible to opt out of, it’s everywhere. This can make the holiday season feel very isolating and sometimes hard to cope with. Everyone else seems to be getting more and more excited and festive and as their Christmas radar peaks mine appears to have hit rock bottom. There is often an expectation to join in with the buzz of it all, to plaster a smile on your face and get stuck in. I seem to not be able to fully grasp one moment without the reminder that ‘its the most wonderful time of the year’, which of course is not ideal when it feels overwhelmingly substandard and a bit shit.

Now I know that ‘feeling Christmassy’ is not a single emotion, but a combination of situational and subjective goings on and I normally love Christmas (I have been known to get emotional on Christmas morning because ‘its all got a bit much’ and I have felt so unbelievably excited). I am a massive child and will forever hold onto the magic of Christmas, for so many reasons. By this time in December I am usually one to be bouncing off the walls, attending every yuletide event I can get my hands on and revelling in baubles and twinkly lights. This year though, if someone offered for me to skip Christmas, I would take them up on it. I feel a huge surge of “meh” when I think about it. 

Now I know we all have times in our lives where things fall apart. Whatever the situation, whether its grief, illness, life events, mental health…things happen and often they are out of our control. And at the same time annual milestones and celebrations come and go, the world continues to turn even when for you time has ground to a halt. So I am aware that I am not alone, and that this may all appear very over-dramatic. But alas, here we are.

My family and I seem to have been dealt a particularly rough hand this year. Whilst I am grateful for so many things, I do truly feel a little unlucky. I have had events that have cushioned the blow, but this year has overall been probably one of the worst of my life. My mental health has taken the biggest battering and almost completely won me over, my beautiful family has been tested within an inch of their lives, I have had friendships breakdown, my Mum has faced life changing surgery (which is positive and has been needed), that caused anguish and worry for every member of my family, and just to add a little cherry and some colourful sprinkles, I was, about a week ago, involved in a car accident which saw my car written off and me taken to hospital. I am very lucky to be alive, and have walked away with little more than a very achey body and head.

Now I am aware that I should be thankful for these events, in a way. None of them have broken me or my dear family, we have got through it. But there comes a time when ‘enough is enough’. We and I are done with being tested.

So as we crawl towards the new year, I am ready to get through Christmas and be ready for a reason to feel like I can have a fresh start. The phrase “new year, new me’, is universally frowned upon in a society that is placing pressure to live your best life every moment, and a need to transform your life when the clock hits 1200 on 1st January. But this time round, I am hoping for a fresh start, I am SO ready to put this awful year behind me, to forget about it mostly, and try to find more of the good stuff.

I don’t write this with a plan to abandon Christmas, or to avoid celebrating the end of the year completely. I just need a more low key approach this year, I need to not place myself under pressure, I know that. I need to just get through it.

So perfectionism is out, and a low-key “good enough” Christmas, is in. Join me in that if you want to. “Christmas is supposed to be fun and enjoyable — it shouldn’t be at the detriment of your mental health.”

Whilst your Christmas dinner may not rival Nigella Lawson’s, and your gifts might not be original or handmade, in a month’s time I doubt any of that will matter. Taking care of yourself over the festive period might just set you up for better mental/physical and overall health in 2020. Now wouldn’t that be the perfect present.

If you do have a friend/family member/colleague that is withdrawing from social activities this Christmas, try and reduce the urge of screaming “SCROOGE” at the first available opportunity. Christmas is amazing, but can be incredibly difficult for reasons that may not be obvious. So just be careful. Be kind. Be there. And please, please accept the word “no”.

I’m going to take a week or so off from Ellen on the Edge, I think I need to spend some time with my family and definitely need some time to come up with some more blog material. I will be back with you just before we say a big fat “SEE YA” to 2019. I hope you all have the Christmas you need, do what you need to do. It will be fine. And when it’s over, we can all regroup and carry on. No pressure.

Merry Christmas – Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

An Open Letter to Dr Willis

Ellen Thomas2 Comments

Dear Dr Willis,

I had an appointment at my GP surgery around a month ago, with yourself. It had taken me 4 weeks and 2 desperate phone calls to get the appointment where I saw you. I had made a phone call 5 weeks before my booked appointment and I advised that I felt very unwell, was experiencing symptoms that were causing me to worry for my safety and felt I needed support and an appointment sooner than 5 weeks. I needed to be seen that day. I was advised that “the best (they) could do, (was to) move my appointment to the following Wednesday”, now please bare in mind I had made this phone call on a Tuesday, and had already put the phone call off for 3 days in fear I was wasting everyones time. But alas, please know, I do not place the blame with you, I waited, and I want to give you context. I got worse, before getting slightly better, I felt let down by a system that had literally told me to call if I needed them, I did not wish to sit in A&E and my appointment with yourself the following Wednesday, did eventually come round. I had been keeping a mood diary for the previous 2 weeks in hope this may add weight and sustenance to my case of desperation. I sat in the waiting room clutching it with anticipation.

You were 25 minutes late for our appointment, something which I, again, am not placing blame for, and am incredibly aware of how stretched you are, but I hope you acknowledge. You wore a red waistcoat and purple bow tie. I hope you don’t mind me making reference to your age, but you are a well aged man, and I had initial reservations on first impressions that we may not have a lot in common.

It was, for the most part, Dr Willis, a really positive appointment, I thank you for listening to me, taking me very seriously, referencing my maturity and am so thankful to you for referring me to a psychiatrist. We discussed my medication and you suggestion these were upped. You were really helpful and on board. This letter however, is referencing the last 7 minutes of the appointment. Just as I got up to leave you stopped me “can I ask you something personal?” you questioned; “Could you lose a bit of weight, can I weigh you?” I said to you that I could lose weight and that I have lost a stone and a half in the last 3 months. This didn’t seem to matter to you however, you ignored the comment, proceeded to weigh me and show me my BMI on your computer, to which I replied throughout that I was aware of my exact BMI, having become a little obsessive over my weight recently. You again ignored this and proceeded to reference my weight. I did ask you what my BMI really had to do with my mental health, I exercise regularly, and have lost a significant amount of weight. I was also quick to point out that you should be careful making assumptions, one of my self harm techniques/struggles is that I just stop eating, I didn’t eat for 2 weeks a few months ago. Your response to this was a simple raise of your eyebrow. You persisted to start sentences with “if you were slim…”, I apologise if at this point I became a little blunt in my tone as I posed back to you how you thought that being your version of “slim” would positively effect my severe MH issues. You didn’t respond to this and instead said I should just think about it. I walked out your door, thanking you for your time.

I am writing you this letter because I really want you to know that I did take your advise, I thought about it, I am thinking about it. All the time. I left your appointment feeling distraught, distraught that an appointment that I had been waiting so long for turned into a discussion about my appearance. If I had come to you advising that my weight was negatively affecting my mental health I would understand, but I still don’t. And the fact I was honest in advising that unfortunately I tend to stop eating at times, which I really felt you ignored, left me in complete shock. Can I please ask that you brush up on your knowledge of eating disorders, of anorexia, of the fact that it doesn’t matter your size, it’s a disease of the brain. And can I please tell you that if it were someone else sitting in front of you who was struggling to the point of breaking, you could have tipped them over the edge. Now, I appreciate that it is your role to advocate a healthy lifestyle, you’re a doctor, but what I need you to know is how negatively that very judgemental and ridiculous 7 minutes tore me down. I will see a psychiatrist and continue to seek help for my mental health, but you must acknowledge that a comment like that could cause someone else to never ever want to seek help again. That someone could have been building up for months to seek help, it could have been such a big moment, and ending an appointment like that, could potentially end someone’s road to recovery.

Please know that I have ignored you eventually, that I have risen above your comments, and unfortunately marked you as an old fashioned doctor who I will decline to see again.

I sincerely hope, Doctor, that you are never faced with a period of poor mental health. And that if you are, the medical professionals you see, offer you compassion, respect and listen to everything you’re saying offering impartial and non-judgemental treatment and support. Everyone deserves that.

I want to thank you for your referral letter and let you know that on my recent holiday to Jamaica, I put on just under a stone.

Kind regards Dr Willis, and hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge