Tag: #faceofdepression

Holidays Are Worth It

Ellen Thomas2 Comments

It’s funny isn’t it, the dream of a big holiday. Having such high expectations and pressure – from the world, to have the best time and make the most of every single second can be pretty tough. It’s like – if you don’t have the most incredible trip, it’s not worth it.

I’ve just got back from a 2 week trip to Jamaica, (apologies for the radio silence), it was amazing, I took a full on life break and I did have the most incredible trip. But it almost didn’t happen, I had to really work hard to prepare myself for going away so that it didn’t come as a surprise when or if mental health issues came up and so I could try to prevent being away from home actually making them worse.

Despite the universal understanding that when you’re in a bikini, smiling and on holiday, things are a lot easier to deal with, I don’t believe that’s always the case. If you struggle with your mental health, being away just changes the location in which you are unwell. It can mean however, that you’re enjoying yourself, recovering, doing what you need to do. It can feel a bit silly to admit that leaving work behind, going somewhere incredible, and doing nothing but relaxing and exploring can leave you feeling a little unstable. You’re on holiday. You’re supposed to be happy. And yet… Mental health issues can pop up whenever and wherever. It doesn’t matter if you’re on a beach or stuck in a cubicle at work, your brain can unfortunately have decisions of its own. I suppose I found it easier to do what I want, I didn’t force myself to drink, stay up late or be in situations that make me uncomfortable. The sun helped a lot and having such friendly and loving people around me softened the blow of a low day.

I suprised myself in how much of an amazing time I was having and made some unbelievably good friends who I confided in and who gave me the space/support and love that made me feel completely at ease. I did have times when it was bloody hard work though; the disruption in routine, the jetlag, the booze, the pressure to have fun – it can and did all add up to a worrying mental state. Add in the guilt I felt for still having issues when I was doing something amazing, and it’s understandable how some people can feel that holidays can end up feeling like they will be more stress than they’re worth. Please believe me when I say though, sometimes – they are worth it. Jamaica was so so worth it.

I really think the trick is being honest with yourself, realising that a change in location rarely magically fixes mental illness, and making sure to keep up essential self-care. Preparation is everything. I took note of some things that really helped me whilst away, if you have any anxiety about travelling, please take note. It may help, it may not.

1. Get plenty of sleep

If you’re in a hotel with a comfy bed, make the most of it and get some bloody rest. Tiredness sucks so so bad and can be a major contributor to stress, leading to you feeling unwell – that doesn’t change just because you’re on holiday.

Give yourself a bedtime and try to stick with it when possible, if jetlag or traveling in general tires you out enough to require a nap, have a nap.

2. Keep taking your medication

Sounds obvious, but there’s always a strange temptation to say ‘f*** it, I won’t need antidepressants when I’m in Greece!’

Mate, you do.

Make sure you have enough to last throughout your holiday, stick an alarm on your phone so you take your meds at roughly the same time regardless of time difference, and check the guidelines for having medication in your luggage (I didn’t have any issues taking antidepressants abroad – I just popped them in my clear liquid bag in my hand luggage).

3. Give yourself permission to stay in the hotel

You’re somewhere new and you want to explore. You’ve got a checklist of sights to see and places to visit. But then you feel anxious and exhausted. You’d really quite like to have a relaxing night in – but that’d be waste, right?

Stop worrying about ‘wasting’ your holiday – if you’re going to finish the trip stressed and miserable, that’s much more of a waste than spending one night cosied up in bed. Don’t beat yourself up for needing some downtime. Reframe your holiday as having one purpose: making you feel refreshed and relaxed.

4. Make sure you have some solo time

It’s tough when you’re on holiday in a group and feel like you have to go at the same pace as everyone else. At times, I found being around people was a great distraction and I enjoyed being busy, but it’s important that if you need some alone time, you can get it. Even if that’s just heading to bed a bit earlier.

5. Give yourself a generous budget

There are few things more stressful on holiday than feeling guilty for every bit of cash you spend.

Make sure you’ve been realistic beforehand about how much you can afford to spend while you’re away, and be a little on the generous side of your budget. You deserve to treat yourself and you deserve to do all of the fun things whilst you’re on holiday!

6. Give up caring about doing it all

When your to do list becomes a chore and you’re rushing through your meal just so you can go to that coffee place someone mentioned, you’ve lost the point of your holiday a bit.

Prioritise the things you really care about, but at the end of the day, the whole point of a holiday is to enjoy it. As long as you feel relaxed and happy at the end of it, mission accomplished.

7. Trust those friends

It’s often in the most unlikely of circumstances that we find people who are truly meant for us. I know on this trip I met some people who just got me, it was heartbreakingly wonderful. I am so grateful to them for allowing me to be unapologetically me.

Friends you meet whilst travelling or on a break always turn out to be the best ones, you are like-minded and have picked the same place to spend your time. Trust them and confide in them, they know nothing of you and have no preconceptions, so you are free to completely be yourself.

8. Take a bloody break

Put your phone down for a couple of hours or a couple of days. Be present in the moment you’re in, with the new friends you have made, with the place you’re in. Be present with the fact you made it on this trip, you got yourself here and it’s your doing that you’re having the best time. No picture or Instagram post is ever going to do that justice.

I don’t know if you needed any of this, if you didn’t, I truly apologise for teaching you to suck eggs. However these 8 pointers were the things that kept me going for 2 weeks, they kept me grounded and allowed me not to get in over my head. It was the best decision to go away for a little while, for loads of reasons. I am thankful for my wonderful sister who didn’t leave my side for 2 whole weeks, and for a country that offered me acceptance and sunshine in every possible way.

If you need a smile, and can stretch your budget, head away, head far away. But don’t make yourself ill before or whilst you’re away, holidays are worth it, but there will always be a next time.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

The Mask

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I spoke a couple of months ago about the misinterpreted face of depression. And the frustration I have with it. An extract from the post reads; “It’s easier to smile. It is easier at the time. We all know that. But everything will always catch up with us, it has too. Especially with the weight of a world that is desperate for us to be consistently happy, consistently instagrammable, and consistently consistent. It’s all too much.” And I want to write today about this a bit more. About how I cope or don’t cope or am struggling to cope, and how my coping mechanism can sometimes be… well, The Mask.

I wear a mask, one that (to most people) makes me appear to be strong and capable, cheerful, outgoing, warm. The “nothing bothers me” mask. It continues to smile no matter what is happening to the woman behind it. The mask is a way to hide my bruised self, a way to hide or disguise the feelings that are raw and vulnerable. It is safe. It allows me to attempt perfect control over what people get to see. We all wear it at times. And it’s vital some of the time. In professional settings it’s important to be able to keep some feelings controlled, that’s your job. In a supermarket, we smile and thank the person who serves us, no matter how we are feeling. When your friend needs you, you put everything aside, you put on The Mask for a little while, to help them out. Now, I need you to know that this post is not saying that we should never wear The Mask, sometimes, it’s needed, it’s appropriate. But what we must all be doing, is taking it off. And acknowledging it for what it is, The Mask.

My Mask used to fit me so well — seamlessly even — but in the past couple of years it has started to hurt a little. It feels heavy and no longer seems to fit and holding it up gets to be exhausting and occasionally it starts to slip. What once felt as though it was made from fine china, light and smooth, easy to keep in place, now feels to be roughly crafted from harsh sandpaper — it is heavy and rubs painfully.

I don’t want to wear it all the time anymore, and I am desperately trying to adjust to a life where I only wear it part time, but I am also fighting a feeling of not wanting to burden people with the real feelings I have. Truth is, I have been and am scared. I don’t like to leave the safety of my sanctuary, it frightens me. I am scared of falling apart, every single day, I am horrified at the thought that my mask might drop, without me being able to control when I take it off. I am terrified of being seen, judged or pitied. It strikes fear in my heart to think of falling apart and having people suggest it was a way to get attention, to be noticed.

I know avoidance is considered to be a poor and dangerous coping skill, but despite that, a lot of the time, I just want to be alone. I am lonely, sometimes. But not too often. I am aware of the negative presence I have at the moment. I don’t want to burden people with my presence unless I know that I am going to be able to keep the strong and cheerful me present. I do not want to be a disappointment. And right now, I’m desperately trying to work out… work out how to be me again, I’m putting on The Mask as often as I can. But I’m letting my real self, my depressed self, breathe a bit more. Sometimes I can’t face putting The Mask on just to sit for a meal at my family dinner table, I take it off in the evenings, I am aware of when I have been wearing it too long, and even more aware when it begins to slip.

Now trust me, I’m not about to even contemplate living a mask-free life. Although I suppose that’s what I’m doing with Ellen on the Edge, I don’t find it very difficult to sit behind a keyboard and share my thoughts, and for me, it’s quite therapeutic. But opening up in person, right now… let’s just say, The Mask is still in place.

Keep your mask on if that’s what you feel you need to do. I’m totally with you. But please know that you will need to take it off at some point, your real self needs to breathe. Do what you need to do, darling.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx