Tag: #firsttimeblogger

Everyone on the Edge # 3 – Effie’s Story: I am on the Edge

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

It’s here! Everyone on the Edge has been a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I am so overwhelmed with the response I have had and hope that this series will encourage more of you to open up. It’s an absolute honour to read and share your stories and help people recognise that truly, everyone really is on the Edge.

I would like to introduce my third guest writer, Effie. Effie and I have know each other for over 20 years. We have flown in and out of each other’s lives, but our connection has always been as strong as it was on day 1. We had a friendship when we were young that we decided would never be able to be broken, that was an agreement I don’t think we have ever truly broke. We understood each other, I know that now. And this piece represents everything I have always loved and respected about her, I am so thankful that she has written a piece for Everyone on the Edge. It is brief, but powerful and I am in awe of her honesty. Thanks Eff, the floor is yours, darling….

When I picture the ‘edge’ in my mind as a visual, I have always thought of it as a cliff edge. Like I am teetering on the edge, safety behind me, and the scary unknown depths of some kind of mental health catastrophe in front. It has always been one or the other. And I have always had the safety of stepping sideways along the cliff edge. Maintaining some kind of middle ground until I feel strong enough to step back to safety, or lose my footing and fall forward and let it engulf me.

Lately it feels different though. 

It feels more like I am stood on a totem pole. A fucking wobbly one. If I shut my eyes, concentrate and stay very still then I can balance. But it takes all my energy. Everything I’ve got to stop myself from falling off the edge. And the direction I could fall isn’t just forwards. It’s all around me. If you had a birds eye view it would be like someone kind of mental health pie chart. What will I fall into?

Anxiety
Depression
ADHD
Panic

And don’t get me wrong. There are good slices of this pie too:

Joy
Calm
Productivity
Content

They are the small slices right now. Or one combined slice. The last slice of the pie that I am too scared to eat because then it’ll all be gone.

I know I will get back to a safer space. My platform will get bigger, big enough for me to open my eyes. Big enough for me to walk around, look and appreciate the good stuff. The joy and calm slices of the pie will get bigger, big enough that I don’t have to worry about it being the last slice. I can enjoy it now and maybe again tomorrow. 

I’ve dealt with this shit for so many years, that I know in my heart it will get better. I can tell myself it WILL get better. Sometimes I have to shout it over the thoughts racing around my head. It’s tough, but I know now that it doesn’t last forever. It doesn’t make it easier, to be honest, sometimes it makes it harder. If I KNOW it gets easier, why can’t I just make it easier now? Why do I have to suffer. 

Why do we all have to suffer. 

But in the words of Ellen, we all hang in there.

Please, hang in there.

If you wish to contribute to Everyone on the Edge, please send your piece along with a picture to ellenontheedge@gmail.com

New Year, Same You

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I struggle with New Year, it’s a whole lot of pressure and bloody hard work. The absolute state of the whole “new year, new me” thing is such an accident waiting to happen, for our whole society. What is wrong with the you now, what’s wrong with the old you? Our whole world is feeding into an idea that tomorrow, we must all wake up, be different, be better. Well, fuck them. Don’t be, be the same. Be unapologetically you. Shock them. Let’s all start tomorrow the same as we start every single day… waking up.

Despite all of this, unfortunately/fortunately in years to come, we do collate memories into years, and we do look back on them as a whole.

I know that 2020 has shattered all of our hearts, into tiny pieces. Its been an absolute shit show. A total disaster. But I’ve tried to have a think about some alright stuff… and I’ve managed it… You see, 2020 will forever be the the year I flew the nest, properly. The year I walked 100km and raised £4,000 for a charity that saved my life. The year I persevered with writing. The year I took a big career leap of faith. And as every year, the year that I continued to feel the unrelenting love, support and protection from those around me. I truly don’t deserve it.

It will also always be the year Billy Bipolar finally formally introduced himself, after years of hiding. Sneaky bastard. We really are battling to find our feet together, it’s still a struggle, and I hate it. My world is constantly shattered and built back up again and I feel so alone sometimes. But I am so thankful for a health system that has helped and supported me in getting to know and tolerate him, free of charge, whilst battling a pandemic. What a lucky country we are.

If it’s not helpful for you, try not to overly reminisce, collate memories in the time periods that work for your heart. You do you. It’s been a tough one for everyone, but without sounding patronising.. even when it’s really dark and fucking painful, there will always, always be something to be thankful for, have a think, I promise you it will be there.

So, Happy New Year, I guess, whatever you want it to look like. Please remember that tomorrow is just another tomorrow. It always will be. It’s just another sunrise. I have seen a whole 30 minutes through writing this, irrespective of the date. So have you. Go us.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx