Tag: #mentalhealthjourney

Blueness Isn’t Just for Monday

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Blue Monday is, as they call it in America a “PR stunt” that was actually originally dreamed up to sell holidays. (Trivia: Blue Monday was created in 2006). It is a myth, a false calculation based on things like the gloomy weather, post-Christmas debt, disappointment from not keeping new year’s resolutions, dissatisfaction about going back to work and general doom and gloom. Since then it has become a rather tedious yearly PR event, often designed to promote things that are vaguely linked to improving our wellbeing, more often than not with a complete lack of evidence. I have looked it up and you know what… no actual scientific studies have ever backed up any claims about Blue Monday.

The whole notion of Blue Monday, which suggests there is a single day when depression somehow ‘strikes’ more than usual, feeds misinformation around mental illness. The fact of the matter is that people live with depression all year around. It is a serious illness that is a causal factor in suicide – the biggest killer of people under the age of 29, globally.

So why the FUCK (sorry mum), despite the fact I’m an advocate for “loads of days can be hard”, do I always feel this one. Why do people struggle on this day, and every day. Why the hell did I think I was going to burst out crying around 12pm today?! (I don’t know why, and it didn’t last long). Weird, isn’t it. Especially if it’s a PR stunt.

I know why it is though, I think I was just having a wobbly day, I temporarily felt a bit sad and someone naming it “a depressing day” allowed that feeling to take hold a little more.

The truth is that we all have mental health, and whether it is Blue Monday or any of the other 364 days this year; we will all face days when we find it hard to cope for whatever reason. This week, one in six of us will experience a common mental health problem like anxiety or depression. In our workplaces and in our circles of friends, there are people living with mental health problems, or just keeping themselves afloat, whether we know it or not.

The Blue Monday myth – like all good legends – has some elements of truth. We know that some people living with mental health problems find the winter months harder. If the Blue Monday hype has drawn your attention to your mental health, or made you think about how a friend, colleague, or loved one might be feeling then it has done some good.

I know it is pointless to try and identify what the most depressing day of the year is because it would be different for each one of us. As different as each person’s circumstances are. And it is also important to distinguish between temporarily feeling down, which we all relate to from time to time, and experiencing depression or a mental health problem that can be quite disabling for our day to day lives. This is something I could drone on about all day, and probably gets boring.

This year, perhaps more than any other year in recent memory, the need and importance for us all to look after our mental health and support each other at this time, is clear and urgent.

Perhaps the true meaning of Blue Monday is that we all have mental health and that there are steps that we can take on every day of the year to try and protect it. We should not just be thinking about our mental health on 17th January this year, but on every day of the year. Depression and other mental health problems last for more than a day. And mental health problems can affect people in different ways on any day of the year.

I hope your day and your week is filled with all of the colours of the rainbow, blue included.

After all, blueness isn’t just for Monday.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

It’s All In The Eyes

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

I remember this day. 

It popped up on my Facebook memories today, it was taken exactly 9 years ago. I had just turned 18 and as per most weekends, I was at a house party with a quarter filled bottle of cheap energy drink topped right up, with a whole mini bottle of glens vodka. Class.

This photo hurts though, it’s weird that I remember this day specifically, but in all honesty, its the earliest memory I have that I can now blame on Billy.

I woke up that morning, the same as any morning, it was a Saturday and me and my friends were buzzing about the party (that was probably shit) that was going to happen later. I got out of bed, and went about my day as normal (the morning part of the day is a blur), but I distinctly remember going into my parents bedroom, at some point. Something had come over me as I was sat on my bed looking at my phone. My Mum was standing sorting out the items on her big set of drawers in the corner. She turned round and as usual came “you alright sweetheart?”. I suddenly wasn’t. I started crying. My Mum bolted over and hugged me; “what’s up?!” she said. “I don’t know, I just feel really sad”. I can’t imagine what she thought, and I have no idea what I thought. But out of nowhere, I had this feeling of absolute heartbreak. I couldn’t stop.

We went downstairs, and as usual she, when I was upset, she made me a cup of tea with 2 sugars. I mean, it didn’t help and I distinctively remember saying “I’m going upstairs”. I know now, that this must of been puzzling and extremely worrying for my Mum. Both of my parents have, in recent years, shared with me how frightened they have been at times. And this was just the start. 

I remember, walking upstairs, into my bedroom and looking in my wardrobe. I looked at the clothes staring back at me. I was at a point where, having just turned 18, I had terrible body confidence and hated my body, I had nothing to wear. This just added to my distress. My Mum came up the stairs and I told her I had nothing to wear, still crying.

“Right, we are going to get you something” – she was doing whatever she could at this point, looking back, she knew something was wrong, but wanted to do whatever she could to help. She always did. We went into the city, and managed to find a blouse that I liked. No question, Mum was buying it for me. Thanks, Mum. 

I came back home and got in the shower, I started crying in the shower, I was just so distraught, I was scared of what I was feeling. Why was I so sad? It got to the point where I was starting to get scared, what I now know as anxiety had started to kick in. I got out the shower and my Mum came and told me she had text my best friend, Amy, telling her I wasn’t’ feeling great. Amy came over within half an hour, I had managed to put a smiley face on. She didn’t know what to say, no one did, we were 18, mental health wasn’t even a thing to us back then (that’s only 9 years ago?!). I managed to pull myself together, and spoke to Amy as we were getting ready; “I just don’t feel right, I feel scared, and I don’t know what of”. She, even at that time somehow managed to find the right thing to say “Look, lets go to the party, if you feel weird, we will leave, I will come with you. But I know if you sit here, you will just be at home and think about how sad you are. And neither of us know what is wrong with you”. We started laughing.

I went to the party. I got drunk. But I look at this photo, and to me, I can see a little bit of Billy in my eyes.

Look back at photos, look how far you have come. But also remember, that you are allowed to be sad for photos, you are allowed to look at photos and be angry. And I am allowed to look at this photo and mourn a time where we just didn’t know, or talk about mental health enough.

With this photo, for me, I was able to completely remember this day. It’s all in the eyes. 

Hang in there. 

Ellen on the Edge xx