Oh hi, sorry it’s been a while. I’m trying not to let Ellen on the Edge become a pressure for me, and as I have said before, utilise it for expressing how I’m feeling. It always works, and so I need to do it now, I need to write. Try keep up with me on this one…

So… I have become obsessed with one of the street lights on my street (bare with me here), it comes on at 17:13 every single night and goes off at about 07:20 the next morning, it’s ever so consistent, but has dimmed a bit recently. I have recognised it to an extent that I feel it too.

You see, the thing is with street lights, the thing with all lights is, they can’t be bright all of the time, they need to be replaced, they need to be recharged. Or sometimes the constant electricity that is running to it just needs a little maintenance. It is impossible for a light to come on, day in and day out, shine blindingly bright, without a little break. Maybe this is something we all need to hear?

Like the street light, I am trying to remain consistent, I am trying to set a routine and make sure that my light comes on every single day, life is terribly consistent sometimes, but for me, consistency becomes a little bit of a struggle – but so does too much change – so all in all, myself and Billy, can’t bloody win.

I’ve been struggling the last week or so, struggling to keep the smile on my face, to light up and therefore to hide how I’m feeling. Which I hate!
I may be wrong, but I think everyone reaches a stage in their life where they need to just slow down, I think we will all, or have all been through tough times, and recovering and reflecting after these times is really bloody important. Something I really need to remember right now. Living a quiet and relaxed existence is my way of doing that. Now, we all have expectations for our lives. Abstract timelines that we formulate in childhood and end up comparing our accomplishments against. We imagine we’ll have our first kiss by 14, graduate University by 22, have our dream job by 25, and be married by 30. Or maybe we planned to travel to a certain number of countries by a certain age, or to have made a certain amount of money. Sometimes life does turn out like we imagined, it feels like everything has just fallen into place at the right time. But sometimes we end up moving at a slower pace, sometimes things go wrong, or things just pause for a little while. I’ve been subject to a lot of change in the past few months, some changes that have been pretty bloody big, and all in all, my life has completely and utterly changed. These are life changes and expectations of where I would be at this age that I have put on myself, and whilst I have achieved them, I don’t think I have allowed myself to process it all. On top of Rona, I think it’s all just starting to catch up with me, and maybe slowing down, and dimming a little, is needed.

A problem is that I am still obsessed with checking social media, viewing other peoples structured realities, and showing me what they want me to see. Come on, let’s admit it, it does consciously and unconsciously make us feel like shit sometimes. That just comes with the territory. But I need to probably take a break, maybe I need to get back into crosswords (a lovely little obsession I had on a high earlier in the year, don’t ask).I am, however, highly aware of how much I share online, and hope that me sharing my struggles gives other people a bit of hope. I like to think I share the true stuff (I mean I mainly share to try to seek a bit of reassurance or to reach out), but I hope no one ever looks at Ellen on the Edge and feels anything negative. If you do, please don’t read it, you are worth so much more than that. I don’t want your streetlight to dim because of me – or because of anyone.

I am hoping that my brain lets up a little soon, I am struggling to sleep, yet constantly tired and fear that I am not truly taking care of myself, I really am trying my best (Mum, don’t worry), but I have just hit a bit of a hump, me and the streetlight outside are just dimming at the moment, I think it all just feels bigger than it truly is. I don’t know whether my writing is ever going to be helpful to anyone, I have no idea. As I always say, it helps me and to be honest, I know I’m not the prime example for “things will always get better” – Billy Bipolar makes sure of that. But I hope I am able to communicate, maybe what you can’t? That we all struggle, that we are all here, and we need to be heard. And that just sometimes, we are just sad, we are struggling, we are tired, we need to recharge, we need a bit of a break and possibly a bit of maintenance. Remember the street lights outside your house dim, too.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx